


Daffodil

by leemarkhyuk



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Cutting, M/M, Mentions of Blood, Overdosing, Suicide, Unrequited Love, Very slight gore, break up(?)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-28
Updated: 2021-01-28
Packaged: 2021-03-13 20:20:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,067
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29034549
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/leemarkhyuk/pseuds/leemarkhyuk
Summary: Life is hard. Sometimes you can’t handle it. But usually there’s a way to ground yourself. And sometimes you can’t.
Relationships: Bang Chan/Lee Felix, Bang Chan/Lee Felix/Seo Changbin, Bang Chan/Yang Jeongin | I.N
Kudos: 11





	Daffodil

**Author's Note:**

> hi uh cough im not projecting how i wanna live on chan nope :.)
> 
> ye i’m a lil sad rn haha
> 
> tw/ suicde blood light gore
> 
> it’s not really gore, it’s just very little detail on how deep he cuts
> 
> enjoy?

From the day they met, he should’ve known he’d fall for the other. How could he not? Jeongin was always there for him, no matter what he was always there. Chan went to him when he wanted to talk, vent, be comforted, he went to him for everything. They’d not been friends very long, a little over six months, but they were closer than ever, trusted each other with everything.

Chan should’ve known that he’d fallen for the other after starring into his eyes far too long one night. That was the night Jeongin needed to talk about his future, he was worried about it. Chan spent hours calming him down and reminding him that he’d be there in it.

He has a boyfriend, Yongbok, and he loves him dearly. Chan never minded Yongbok’s distance, or at least he pretended he didn’t. He knows his boyfriend becomes quiet and prefers to be alone when he’s struggling, and as much as it pains him, he lets him. There’s nothing he could do. Yongbok would ignore his calls or keep himself locked away elsewhere to keep the world away. Each time he just hoped he’d be alright. Chan and Yongbok are polyamorous, and dated one of their friends for a while, but his name won’t be mentioned...

Now, Chan has realized his feelings for his friend, and only many occasions brought it up, knowing the other also has feelings for him. But what he didn’t pay attention to was that Jeongin isn’t like him. He isn’t polyamorous like Chan is. He has a partner. He doesn’t want to have feelings for Chan.

Chan had realized this all the night he brought up his feelings again and Jeongin lashed out on him. Of course he wasn’t rude about it, and had only said that he was afraid his feelings for Chan would grow the more Chan acted out, but his mind took it differently. 

He over analyzed everything, it’s an issue of him. Many nights spent with tears falling from his face and loud music playing through the walls to hide it. Significantly less nights than before spent with a blade taken to his thigh, then bleeding into his journal and writing how he feels beside it. Some nights, he hovered over his trash can, fingers down his throat, dry vomiting because he hasn’t eaten in days. Some days empty bottles of pills lay spread across the floor, himself having passed out in his bed shortly after taking them.

Chan is a caretaker. He takes care of those around him. He doesn’t look to himself until he knows everyone around him has been taken care of. When he fails to make sure everyone is up in their spirits, he takes it out on himself. He knows that he isn’t worth much, but he tries his best for others to believe he is. He knows he’ll never be loved the way he loves, but he tries his best to give as much love as he can while they have the time together. He knows that he’s wasting people’s time by keeping himself alive longer, but he told Jeongin he wouldn’t take his own life. With Jeongin, he has no regrets, but he regrets telling him that he would live for him. That he’d have to live through the same pain everyday, knowing that he didn’t deserve life like others, that he was a disgusting person, so disgusting he shouldn’t even be considered human. He knows, he knows that the people around him are temporary, that they stick around to make themselves feel better. He knows what he is, and it’s nothing that people like. He waits for the day they’ll all leave him, Yongbok seeming to have done so without a goodbye. Seungmin too had recently his leave from Chan’s life, not forgetting to make sure Chan knew just how horrible a person he is. But he didn’t need the reminder to know.

Tonight, Chan sat alone him his room. Powder from the many crusted Benadryl tablets he’d bought earlier that day in a cup beside him. 

Chan doesn’t have allergies.

He had taken all of the remaining melatonin tablets he had. He hadn’t taken any in months, so there was plenty to down. He walked into the kitchen, making himself a cup of black coffee. Taking it back to his room, he poured the pill powder into the cup and smiled.

Tonight was the night.

He knows it’s selfish of him, but who one can only take so much pain. One can only love knowing they’re scum of the Earth for so long. Twenty years is long enough.

He took his favorite blade, he’d been using it since he was fifteen, and cut horizontally over his wrists. He always had to keep his cuts hidden from prying eyes of his friends, but this time he didn’t bother. In fact, on his thigh, he traced over the faded scar from four years ago with his blade.

“42”

It was his favorite scar, the prettiest. He carved it out the summer of 2020, he was sixteen. This time he went over it deep, just enough to see the fat beneath his skin.

He sat in his computer chair like he always did, and let his wrist drip over his journal. He wrote over his thoughts with his purple pen like he always did, and this time left his signature written with his finger and blood.

He drank the entire cup of coffee in one breath. He couldn’t tell if he could taste the medicine in it, but that was fine. He’d be gone shortly.

For whoever had to find his body, he felt sorry, but not as sorry as he did for forcing his way into their life.

And so Chan laid in his bed, his favorite upbeat playlist filling the room. He listened quietly while starring at his ceiling, waiting for death to find him. And when it did, he was finally at peace with himself.

A week later, his small circle of friends were together in his room going through his things. He left them all their very own recording. Something to remember him bye.

“Do you know why I started calling you daffodil, Innie? Its a beautiful flower, just as beautiful as you. But it symbolizes unrequited love. I love you, Innie. Take care of everyone for me, yeah?”


End file.
